A strong heartbeat...

**Just a little disclaimer before you start reading...this post is really not intended for people with a weak stomach.  It's pretty graphic...some probably need to skip this one (you know who you are.)  Also, pregnant women may want to reconsider before reading...**



We had a heartbeat...a good, strong heartbeat.  The doctor left for a minute to call my ob/gyn.  Aaron stepped out of the room to tell our family, who was waiting outside, that the baby's heart sounded great.  I heard them all cheer and praise God.  He came back in and stood by my bedside, and in an instant, it was gone.  Madden's heartbeat...155 beats per minute, Madden's heartbeat....silence.  There was never a sign of distress...just heart beating strongly, to heart stopped. 

I looked at the nurse, who was also a friend of mine, and told her I couldn't hear his heart.  She was very calm and responded, "don't worry, we'll find it."  She moved the monitor around...a little at first, to the left, to the right...lower , higher.  Then she started searching farther, moving it clear across my belly.  I knew that she couldn't find it, and I knew that she was starting to worry. 

The doctor stepped back in the room and she told him she was having a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat.  He checked me, blood gushed forward and he shook his head.  He stood up, took off his glove and told her to get the section kit.  I remember that she questioned him, "the C-section kit?"  I'm sure she was surprised.  We were in the labor and delivery room, not the operating room.  This was definitely no controlled environment..."the C-section kit?", I thought to myself as well. 

And within five minutes of arriving at the hospital, I watched the doctor insert a local anesthetic into my lower abdomen, three shots.  Then I watched as he began to slice my belly open in an attempt to save my son.

I wanted this more than anything.  I wanted Madden out.  I knew if he had a chance to survive, he needed oxygen, and the only way he was going to get it was by taking his first breath.  I wanted to be so strong.  I had planned on delivering Madden naturally, with no epidural.  But no amount of "hypnobirthing" classes could have prepared me for a C-section with no anesthesia.  I tried my hardest to be tough, but I moaned in pain.  It hurt, and my body instinctively took over. 

At some point, the anesthesiologist came.  It's a rural hospital, and he was on call.  So, it took him a while to get there, although he was driving 120 mph.  I'm not sure how far along in the procedure we were when he arrived, because he gave me something that would put me out, but also make me forget.  I don't actually remember any of the pain except for the first initial cuts and stretches. 

In an attempt to protect me, Aaron hasn't been very forthcoming with sharing any of the information with me.  He did tell me that he was holding my left arm down and at one point my right arm swung and entered into my incision.  I try to imagine it.  I picture a scene from the exorcist, Aaron standing there in his dirty work jeans trying to hold me down, while I possess what seems to be super human strength and the inability to control my actions.    I know my family could hear me screaming from outside the room, although I don't remember actually making those screams.  I am thankful for this drug that made me forget...I just wish Aaron could have gotten a little of it too. 

From what I'm told, the small labor and delivery room was swarming with people.  Another doctor showed up to help Madden.  I think there were four people working on him and another three people working on me.  I had lost a lot of blood and my blood pressure was dangerously low.  The doctor warned my family that there was a possibility of me losing my life.

That was the closest that I have ever been to death, and I find it very comforting that I wasn't scared.  Not once, since the bleeding started, had I worried for my own life.  I was consumed with thoughts of Madden, it never occurred to me that this was a grave situation for myself.  If I had died on that table, I would have considered that a peaceful death.  Maybe that's the magic of the drugs, but still I find it comforting.  At that moment, without a doubt, I would have laid down my life for my son. 



"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends." -John 15:13


"I am attacked on all sides, yet I will not fear, for I keep myself strongly entrenched in my secure fortress  -- the Sacred Heart of my divine Master.  Like a wise leader, He deals out to me just strength sufficient for each occasion." -St. Margaret Mary Alacoque