God...He's Pretty Smart

I love when you can see God's plan in action!  I don't think most of us can see God at work in our lives.  We just kind of know that He is there, and assume "everything happens for a reason".  While I have had more grief than most, I also feel more blessed than most.  Yes, I have a great husband, beautiful children, a wonderful family, but I'm most thankful for my relationship with God...I feel Him, I long for Him, I have seen Him at work. 

Several years ago, I was teaching the confirmation CCD Class.  It was time for my students to choose their Saint name.  We discussed different saints and they asked who I chose as my confirmation saint.  Ashamed, I answered, "Rachel."  I explained to them that I chose Rachel for one reason...she began with the letter 'R'.  My name at the time was Robyn Renee Rucka, so my saint had to be Rachel.  (Stupid, I know.)  I knew nothing about her.  There was actually a question as to whether she even was a saint.  The Old Testament biblical representations of Rachel are not flattering.  So needless to say, I wish I had chosen more carefully.  But what I didn't know at that time, God did.  He knew what I would suffer, and he knew Rachel would be perfect for me.  The week after I lost Max, I flipped open my bible to a random page, and this is what I read,

"Yahweh says this:  A voice is heard in Ramah, lamenting and weeping bitterly: it is Rachel weeping for her children, refusing to be comforted for her children, because they are no more." -Jeremiah 31:15 

For years, I felt nothing but disappointment in Rachel, but that day, everything changed.  My story and Rachel's were different, but we were connected.  She was weeping for her children...actually, her two boys.  At that time I was only weeping for Max,  little did I know that I would soon be weeping for my two boys.   Without a doubt, I'd say God knows what He's doing. 

 

And I see God at work in the same way with Michael Ben.  The day Michael Ben was born, his birth mother was in church when she thought her water had broken.  But everyone around her could see other wise...she was bleeding.  Just as mine had with Madden, her placenta abrupted.  They laid her down and prayed over her as they waited for the ambulance.  The lady that was leading the service prayed over the unborn baby and claimed that satan would not win this time...this baby was "covered in the blood of Jesus." 

What are the chances that I would lose Madden to a placental abruption and six months later Michael Ben's birth would be initiated by one?  I don't know, but I know its very, very rare.  It was more than a strange coincidence, it made me see God connecting the dots for me.  It felt like a little wink from God, to let us and the birth mother know that Michael Ben belonged with our family. 

 

After losing Madden, I was upset with myself.  I blamed myself...my body had failed him.  But now that it actually happened to somebody else, I had to reconsider my feelings about it.  I know that she wasn't doing anything wrong.  She didn't do anything to cause her placenta to abrupt.  So maybe, just maybe it wasn't my fault either.  Just another way that God was planning to heal me?  Yes.  I think so. 

 

The life and presence of Michael Ben in our family has brought healing in many ways.  I will always miss and love my boys.  I think of them every day, all day.  I don't understand the reasons for any of this, but I do know that God is present and in control.  I always had regrets that I let Max cry, or that I didn't spend enough time with him.  Well now, I have Michael Ben, and I realize that its not reasonable to hold a baby all day every day.  I realize that, sometimes, babies just cry.  I am healed of the guilt I had been carrying.  All part of God's plan...no doubt.

 

I have a long way to go...in my life, in my faith.  But I see a light, and I see it clearly.  Today, I am so thankful that Michael Ben's birth mother chose life for my sweet boy.  She sacrificed nine months of her life so that God's plan could be seen in ours.  He really knows what He is doing, and we'd be smart to slow down and listen to Him. :)

 

 

"Faith is to believe what you do not yet see; the reward for this faith is to see what you believe." - Saint Augustine

 

"No trial has come to you but what is human.  God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it." - I Corinthians 10:13