Beautiful Baby

Although my mind was foggy, I remember clearly the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes...Aaron's face.  He was sitting right beside me, praying for me to wake up...and crying.  He wasn't just crying, he was sobbing.

I knew that face.  I had seen that face many times since losing Max.  And on this day, on January 12th, I knew he wasn't crying for Max.  I looked down, and in his arms was our baby.  He was holding Madden, all bundled in a blanket, instinctively rocking back and forth.  And as he shook, I asked, "he didn't make it, did he?"  And he just shook his head, no. 

He said they worked on Madden for forty five minutes, and they just couldn't bring him back.  Once again, I found myself weeping uncontrollably in a hospital.  How could this happen?  How could tragedy strike our family again, and in such a short period of time?!? 

When Max died, I tried my best to stay positive...to trust in God.  And finding out I was pregnant with Madden, so soon after losing Max, made it easier for me to see God at work in my life.  But now...where was He?   What sense did this make?

Our family was there, crying, along with all the nurses and medical staff.  Our local priest came by, held Madden, blessed his little body and wept with everyone else.  The funeral home was called to come pick up our son.  We had a couple of hours with him before they arrived, and experience had taught me to hold your child as long as you can. 

And that's what I did.  I held him close.  I rocked him, kissed him and stroked his little face.  I didn't want to let him go.  He was so perfect...so beautiful.  Five pounds, eight ounces of perfect little boy.  As I write this, my arms ache for him.  I so badly want to be able to lay him on my chest, and smell his little head. 

They took me to the critical care unit, to be watched carefully overnight.  The last thing I remember in that room was Madden being taken from my arms.  I knew I had to let him go, oh...but God, I didn't want to.

They took him, and that was it.  I was left with no baby.  I had to stay several days in the hospital, to recover from my c-section, but I had no baby to care for.  My milk came in, ready to nurse my newborn son, and he wasn't there.  I had to deal with all the post pregnancy stuff, minus the baby.  It was a horrible time. 

Immediately, I thought of the story of Job.  In the bible, Job was a faithful servant.  Yet he was tempted time and time again to turn away from God.  His riches, his livestock, his family, his health...it was all taken from him.  But he never cursed God. 

I was angry with God.  How could He allow this to happen? 

But I found hope in Job's story.  It was satan who was tempting Job.  God allowed the temptations, but He knew He would win.  And He did, He was victorious...Job was victorious.  The book of Job teaches one really hard lesson...we have no right to question God, we have zero control and absolutely no power over Him.  Whatever happens, is going to happen.  You don't have a choice....go with it and continue to lean on your hope in the resurrection.  This is my motto, today and everyday.



"And I saw the river over which every soul must pass to reach the kindgom of heaven and the name of that river was suffering:  and I saw a boat which carries souls across the river and the name of that boat was love." -St. John of the Cross

"Then Job answered the Lord and said:  I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be hindered.  I have dealt with great things that I do not understand;  things too wonderful for me, which I cannot know.  I had heard of you by word of mouth, but now my eye has seen you.  Therefore I disown what I have said, and repent in dust and ashes." -Job 42:1-6