Our Bouncing Baby Boy

Since getting married, I have always wanted four kids. Most people thought we were crazy for having three. But to us, our family didn't quite feel complete. After Mabry, we got pregnant again with no problems. We started prenatal care and miscarried soon after. We were sad...but I remember saying, "If this is the worst thing I ever have to go through, I'm going to be okay". Wasn't that wishful thinking?

Six months later we were pregnant again. While spending time in adoration one evening, it occurred to me that I should leave my teaching job and stay at home with the kids. The thought kind of took me by surprise. I had never been one who wanted to stay at home. I enjoyed teaching. I liked the social interaction with adults. But after many prayers and several signs that I was needed at home...I turned in my resignation.

This time the pregnancy went perfectly. We didn't find out the sex of the baby, so we really couldn't wait to meet our newest addition. One of my very best friends was my delivery nurse and she was able to introduce us to our 9 pound, 3 ounce baby boy. He was big...three pounds bigger than all of my other children. But, he was perfect. He had a perfect bill of health. He was so strong...even picking his head up on day one. Life was good!

Max picking up his head to look at Mommy:)

We named this little blessing Max Kolbe Machac. He's named after Saint Maximilian Kolbe, a Catholic priest martyred at Auschwitz. A strong name for our strong boy.

We brought Max home and didn't look back. The days turned into weeks. The weeks turned into months. Every Sunday, we would take our crew to church. And I would thank God for another uneventful week. Thank Him for keeping us all healthy and safe. I was thankful...but I really didn't appreciate how much I had to be thankful for.

Max was a perfect fit for our family. He was a great baby. He loved his brother and sisters. He loved being outside. He loved being naked. In fact, if he was ever fussy, I'd take off his clothes, lay him on the bed and watch him grin.

Right now, as I write, my heart aches. My arms ache. I want to hold him. I want to kiss him. I want to smell him. I want to scream! I want to cry!! I want to feel better!!!

Until I do...I'm trusting in God, praying really hard and focusing on the many blessings I have in my life.

"One great means of preserving constant peace and tranquility of heart is to receive all things as coming from the hands of God, whatever they may be, and in whatever way they may come."
-St. Dorotheus

"Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." So I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me."  -2 Corinthians 12: 8-9

A Brief Intro

Craziness...that's the only word for it. Complete craziness. My once seemingly normal life, now a distant memory. I've been trying to wrap my brain around everything that's happened to my family in the last year, and searching for ways to find peace. I've debated about writing for a while now, and I've decided I am going to give it a try. So...here goes.

In December of 2011, my husband Aaron and I were blessed with our fourth child, a son, Max Kolbe. We were so thrilled. We already had big brother, Morgan and big sisters, Maryn and Mabry. Max, we were sure, completed our perfect family. I was blessed to be able to stay home with Max and Mabry while Morgan and Maryn went to school. Our family enjoyed months of bliss.

(Maryn, Mabry, Morgan and Max - December 2011)

Then came a day I will never forget. May 18th....a Friday. Aaron and I took the boys with us to visit a college buddy of Aaron's five hours away from home. We arrived there with no problems. Everybody was healthy and happy. Or...so we thought. Max unexpectedly died in the children's hospital that night. He literally went from happy and smiling to unresponsive. He was one day short of being five months old.

Within a couple of weeks, we were very surprised to find out we were expecting again. Oh...you can't imagine the emotions I was feeling. We were happy to find out we were having another boy, a gift from God, no doubt. We named this baby Madden James. The entire family was thrilled and the kids couldn't wait to hold their new baby brother. After 8 months of an uncomplicated pregnancy, my placenta abrupted at 34 weeks 2 days pregnant. After an emergency c-section, we ended up losing Madden. We came home with no baby...again. Madden was born and died on January 12, 2013.

(Five months pregnant with Madden)

Within 8 months, we have lost two children. Two sons. How do we deal with this? I really don't know. I used to have a horrible fear of losing a child. I know everybody fears this, but I feel like I was a little more obsessed about it than most. I always thought that I would absolutely die if anything happened to any of my children. I've kind of amazed myself with my ability to stay sane. I know that I couldn't do this without my strong faith. So, this is what I plan to write about.

I will tell you all the nitty, gritty details of my life. I will tell you everything that happened on May 18th. You will know how I dealt with my many emotions. You will learn exactly what happened on January 12th. Eventually, you'll know exactly how I feel in present day. But for right now, I am going to write in chronological order so that you know my exact journey. You will learn about my life, my faith and my reason for hope. So stay tuned....

Robyn