What a Blessing!

So many people have told me I should write a book.  My story is unbelievable.  One lady even wrote to me that Max, Madden and Me should be a Lifetime movie.  Well, there is another piece to add to our truly unbelievable story.

After Madden died, we talked about adoption.  We figured we would give it a few years, then decide if we wanted to take that route.  Well, God had different plans. 

Soon after losing Madden, we found out a family member of ours was expecting a child.  For different reasons, she is unable to care for the baby, and asked us to adopt him.  Aaron and I discussed it and knew immediately that we would. 

Some people want to know what our intentions are...are we trying to replace our lost sons?  Do we just want a bigger family?  The simple answer is, he is a baby, he needs a home, we can provide it for him. 

He was due to be born in early August, but we got a phone call in the middle of the night this past week that she was in labor.  So, now I'd like to introduce you to our newest addition, Michael Benedict Machac.  We will be calling him Michael Ben, after our fathers.  We knew we would love him, but I had no idea how much.  He is absolutely perfect.  I will elaborate more in my next post, but for today, just know that Aaron and I are in love with Michael Ben and we can't wait to bring him home.  God is good!


Michael Ben Machac born July 10, 2013 at 5:07 am - 6 pounds, 11 ounces, 20.25 inches long

 

 

Such Wise Boys...

It's not easy being a parent.  There seem to be a million things you can do wrong that will affect who your child becomes.  I always worry that I am not treating them fairly or showing them enough love. 

I know that I am miles away from perfect, but my kids don't realize it.  Sure, every once in a while, I hear that I am "the meanest Mom ever!!"  But more often than not, my kids are telling me I am the "best Mom in the world!"  And they really believe that.  My oldest daughter, Maryn, in particular.  She tells me daily how blessed she is to have me for her mother.  It's nothing for her to tell me twenty times a day that she "love, love, loves" me. 

I am thankful that they think I am more good than bad.  I am also thankful that their minds don't focus on all my shortcomings as a mother, and that every morning they wake up thinking their Mom is the best.  But I don't have that with Max and Madden.

I feel that when the soul leaves the body, it becomes wiser.  It knows things that we don't know.  So now, I have these two sons in heaven, who are wiser than me.  They know all the mistakes I make as a parent.  They know I'm not the best Mom in the world.  And I don't like that.  I want them to be proud of me.  I want them to look at me interacting with my children and want to join in with us...smiling at the sight of our family dynamic, not cringing.

I know I'll never actually be perfect. But in my children's eyes, that's what I long for.  I hope to be the type of mother Max and Madden are proud of, at least...not disappointed in.  So I strive to be the best mother I can, not just for my living children, but for those who have passed as well. 

Another thing I worry about, having sons on the other side, is equal treatment.  Do I treat them equally?  Fairly?  Do I mourn them the same amount?  Do they both know that I love them the same?  It's the same thing I worry about with my living children.  Only Max and Madden know my thoughts.  They know my heart.

I worry that Madden feels shortchanged.  I admit that I think of Max more.  And I will even say I miss him more.  But that doesn't mean that I love Max more than I love Madden.  It doesn't mean I would choose Max over Madden.  It just means I was able to hold and love and bond with Max for five months before his passing.  I didn't get that with Madden.  We bonded, definitely.  But he was in my belly, keeping me awake at night.  I never got to see his smile, or hear his cry. 

I grieve them differently, but love them the same.  With Madden, I just feel robbed.  I'm at a loss for any understanding with his life and death.  It's hard for me to focus on him, because I'm afraid that his death was my fault.  I often wonder what I did wrong.  Did I work too much?  Lift too much?   Stress too much?  It's no doubt that it was my body that failed him.  So when I think of Madden, I beg for his forgiveness.  I pray that he knows how much I love him and feels the desire I have to hold him and kiss him again. 

With Max, I miss him so much.  But I feel more peace.  I know that his death wasn't my fault.  And I know that he felt love, his short time on Earth.  I have pictures, videos and memories of him.  I can look at them at anytime and see his smile.  I don't have that with Madden.

After Madden's birth/death, my family took a picture of him.  I haven't looked at it yet.  It's been seven months, and I still can't bring myself to look at the photo of my dead baby.  I have a vision in my head of his beautiful little face...I'm scared to change that, because it's all that I have. 

As I sit here and type this today, my tears are flowing.  Today, they are for Madden.  Actually, at this moment...they are for Madden.  Later, they may be for Max.  I hope it really doesn't matter to them who I am crying for, or who I am thinking of.  I know that they see my broken heart, and I'm sure they want me to heal. 

Max....Madden....if you're reading this, know that I love you both, miss you both and I can't wait to see you both again.  But in the meantime, I have got to be the "best Mom in the world" to your brother and sisters. 

Love,
Mom

 

"God loves each of us as if there were only one of us." -Saint Augustine

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on earth.  Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there." -Author Unknown