As I mentioned before, it took me months before I could buy anything for Madden, and months before I could enter the bedroom that would soon be his. I loved this baby. I loved every kick and punch he could throw at me. He was so very active, even kicking Aaron in the back as we slept one night.
But it was difficult to prepare for his birth, while still clinging to every detail of Max's death. But ready or not, his due date was approaching fast, and I had no choice but to begin preparations for his arrival. So I bought a few clothes, sewed a few burp cloths, purchased new bedding, a new car seat and splurged on a nice diaper bag. Slowly, I began to look forward to the birth of this child, this miracle. But, there was still his room to deal with.
It was Max's old room. Max actually rarely slept in his room, but it was all of his stuff...all of his belongings. I wanted it to feel like a different room, in a different house. So I decided to rip out the carpet and replace it with laminate wood flooring. My in laws and I laid it ourselves, one plank at a time. And once it was completed, it did feel different. I no longer dreaded entering the room. Once again, I could sit in this small bedroom and work without feeling sick to my stomach. I was able to begin removing Max's items without bursting into tears. We received a cedar chest from my husband's grandmother. I placed Max's personal belongings inside, and began to make room for Madden's. The second week in January, I finally completed his room.
We had our house for sell for nearly two years...before Max was even born. After losing Madden, we decided to take it off the market. To our surprise, two weeks ago, someone contacted our realtor. They were interested in our home. They came one Sunday and viewed our property, and the following Sunday we had a signed contract. So now we are moving, and its very bittersweet.
I have my memories of Max here. This is where I was pregnant with Madden. I know that the boys won't stay behind as we leave. I'm positive they'll travel with us wherever we go. But I am afraid of losing memories.
However, I am looking forward to starting over. In our new home, wherever that may be, I won't have a room that's off limits for everyone. I won't have a bedroom that has to remain closed. I won't look at the kitchen sink and remember happy bath time, or my closet and remember Max sleeping peacefully in his bassinet. I can pack up all of my children's belongings, instead of just packing up the belongings of the child I lost. I can leave this house...the house where my placenta abrupted, resulting in the loss of Madden. I have the opportunity to let go of pain once again, but the real question is 'do I want to?'.
What I want really doesn't matter. I want my family to be complete. I want to hold my babies once again. I want us all to be together. I want to feel normal. I want to feel whole. I want to rewind time...I want to fast forward time. I want to scream, cry...disappear.
No...none of it matters. Regardless of what I want, time will tick on one second at a time. I just have to live minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day....and trust in God's plan. I believe one day I will feel whole, normal and complete. On that day my soul will separate from my body and I will be exactly where I belong...where I am meant to be. One day....
"My soul longs for your salvation; I put my hope in your word. My eyes long to see your promise. When will you comfort me?" Psalm 119: 81-82
"Let nothing trouble you, let nothing make you afraid. All things pass away. God never changes. Patience obtains everything. God alone is enough." -St. Teresa of Avila
It takes time to heal,but how long? The good Shepard takes care of his sheep, staying as long as it takes to be with the wounded sheep. Then finally letting her go back to the family to live on. I have not been wounded as you have but I have healed slowly from a terrible wound of being abandoned by someone
ReplyDeleteI loved. The scar is still there, but when it is poked it does not hurt as bad as it did 30 years ago. Take care of yourself, love christine
It is so ironic that you are moving, as I am preparing to move as well. While I never had my baby live in this house outside of my womb, it is still the only place I have memories of him. Towards the end of my pregnancy, when I could no longer sleep lying down, I slept for a couple of hours at a time reclined in the living room, where he would keep me awake with his wild and crazy kicks, and I would talk out loud to him. Ever since then (it's been almost 6 years), we have rearranged the furniture and it has never been moved back. So, while the memories here may be hard, they are still all I have left. The same thoughts go along with my other pregnancies that were ended as a result of miscarriage. This is the only house they have ever lived in, however short it was. I think that the longer you have your child, the harder it is to deal with the loss. The pain, letting go, etc. I know your boys will be with you wherever you go, but I think the memories will be with you, too. And, as you have shown through this post, you have pictures, which will help keep those memories alive no matter where you are.
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