Choosing to Believe

Everyday I have to make a choice...a choice to love, a choice to trust, a choice to believe in God.  Frequently I am reminded just how fragile life really is, and my questions return.  In the midst of tragedy, children have questions, but I think it's much easier for them.

Yesterday I reminded my children that although someone's body is dead...their soul lives on.  And they just looked at me and Maryn replied, "Mom, why are you telling me this again?  I know all of that."  And she really does.  She has that childlike faith that we are all called to have.  She doesn't have to make the choice daily...it is something that she just knows - just as she knows that she is in the first grade.  It's a fact to her. 

I have to make the choice.  I have to believe in God because its the only way any of this life makes any sense to me.  I have to acknowledge that I don't have all the answers...and that as long as I am on this Earth, I will never know 'why?'.

I've heard people say "trust in God. He will take care of you." While this is true, we need to be open to the fact that he may not take care of us the way that we see fit. I think of the black plague. In the 1300's, millions of people were killed by this awful disease. Millions! Where was God at this time? He was there. He saw it all. Once again, He allowed it to happen. We don't know why. We don't understand it. We just know we live in a broken world, and bad things happen every day.  I have to choose to trust in God, because He is the only one that understands the big picture. 

In his "Catholicism" series, Father Robert Barron references a popular painting, "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte" by Georges Seurat.  The artist created this painting using a long paintbrush.  And instead of strokes, he used dots...many, many, many dots.  From a distance, they appear unified and create a beautiful picture.  But up close, you just see plain, ugly dots.  That's where we are in life.  We are one dot of many.  We don't understand how our pain and suffering works with others, but God does.  He is the artist.  He sits back and sees how beautifully all of our stories fit together.  We just have to trust Him. 

I know that when I pray, when I turn off the TV, walk away from my phone and sit in the silence...that's when I feel peace.  Some would say I'm just being naive, but this peace is what's helping me make it through the day.  Something happens to me when I pray.  Questions are answered, doubts are squashed. 

So many people confuse doubt with unbelief.  They are not the same.  There is an open-minded uncertainty of doubt, while unbelief is closed-minded certainty.  God won't honor doubt, and doubt is serious.  But doubt can lead to deepened faith as easily as it can break down to unbelief.

I believe that prayer is magical.  In prayer, something happens that makes me certain that there is an after life.  Something happens that makes me know that I am more than just flesh and bones. I am a soul.  There's more to this life than I know.  My human understanding is so limited.

Yesterday I prayed so hard...cried so hard, screamed and demanded that Max and Madden show themselves to me.  I needed proof.  Proof they were near.  Proof there was a God.  I didn't see them, I didn't receive any type of sign.  But after throwing my tantrum, I felt it...peace.   I can't really explain it, but I know my desire for "proof" was gone.  I often beg for something supernatural to take place...a vision, a voice, a mystical presence.  But who knows how I would actually handle that?  God does, and I know, God will give me what I need.

"For I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe in order to understand.  For this also I believe:  that unless I believe, I will not understand." -Saint Anselm

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding" -Proverbs 3:5