Stuff...

I used to enjoy shopping.  I don't anymore.  I'm tired of buying stuff.   Stuff I don't need, stuff I don't have room for, stuff to impress people...it's silly.  Materialism has always been a sin I have struggled with.  Compulsive purchasing, overspending and a failure to give generously are bad habits that I was conscious of, but didn't really have a desire to change.  Max's death has changed this about me.  While I won't say I am cured of this sin, I will say that I care about stuff a lot less. 

When I do go shopping, I notice every baby...every stroller.  Although Max is always on my mind, his absence hurts more when I am in the presence of other babies.  I look at them and wonder, "Is he walking?  Does he sleep good?  Is he a momma's boy?"  All things I would know about Max if he was still alive.  I hate those questions...mostly because I can never answer them. 

I hate walking by the baby section.  The diapers, the wipes, the baby food...all hurtful reminders of my loss.  But we had a baby on the way, and I would have to walk those aisles soon. 

One day, after an orthodontist appointment, Morgan and I ran into Target for a few items.  He's not much of a shopper.  He hates it, in fact.  But that day, he had a request.  He wanted to shop for the new baby.  "Mom, can we buy some outfits for Madden?"  The question caught me off guard.  I hadnt' bought anything for the new baby.  The last several months, I had sprinted past the baby section.  Now, he wanted me to go in there...to actually look at the clothes, to touch them?

If Morgan hadn't asked me to shop for Madden, I don't know when I would have gotten up the nerve to do it.  We entered the baby section and Morgan instantly found items that he liked.  I taught him how to look for the right size and I let him pick out several items for his new brother. 

The longer we were shopping, the easier it got.  I loved this baby in my womb.  I allowed myself to dream of his face, without guilt.  My love for Madden would not change my love for Max.  While my heart was broken, Madden knew nothing of what had happened before him.  He deserved all my love. 

I made a decision at that moment.  I would be the best mother I could possibly be to this new baby.  Once he was born, I planned to hold him all day.  I was never going to leave him.  We would do everything together.  He was going to be a momma's boy.  I decided to breastfeed him...something I hadn't done with my first children.  I made a decision to pass on the epidural...something I had done with all my other children.  I began "hypnobirthing" practices.  I was determined to show nothing but love to this child.  I didn't want to have any regrets. 

I do have regrets with Max.  I regret that I ever let him cry.  I regret every minute I didn't spend with him.  I regret that I didn't take more pictures and videos.  I pray that he never, ever doubted my love for him.  And I am thankful today that his soul can see my tears...can see my heart and knows that I love him more than words could ever express. 

But notice, I don't wish I had given him more stuff. I don't regret not buying him more clothes, more toys, more shoes.  Death makes it very clear...that's not how you show love.  I am thankful for this realization. 

My pain can't stop me from living my life.  I have to go on.  I have to be a mother and a wife.  I have to be the best I can be...for my family.  I can't stay stuck in the past.  I need to appreciate the present, because I don't want to have anymore regrets in the future.  Today, I will appreciate the moment and smile through the tears.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3

"It is not wrong to want to live better;  what is wrong is a style of life which is presumed to be better when it is directed toward 'having' rather than 'being'." -Blessed John Paul II