Fearless

From care free to worry wart.  That's me.  Mabry was sick the past few days.  A year ago I would have said "shake it off", or "you just need rest".  Today when my child has a fever, my mind automatically thinks the worst.  I prepare myself for cancer...I imagine the possibility of losing another child.  But today, she is better.  So I thank God and beg him to keep her that way. 

One afternoon I walked by Morgan who was lying peacefully on the couch.  I glanced at him and I thought he was dead.  He didn't appear to be breathing.  I touched his head, and it was clammy and cool...similar to how Max's head felt the last time I held him.  I was afraid Morgan's heart had stopped in his sleep. (This was before we got the results from his echo cardiogram.)  I grabbed him and he was startled awake.  I gave him a hug, rolled him over and he fell back asleep.  I went in my room and wept.  Would I ever be normal again?

I am very aware that my suffering could get worse.  Losing a child doesn't keep my other children safe.  We all suffer, but inexplicably some are called to suffer more than others.  Will I lose another child?  Will I lose my husband?  Will I get sick and leave them all behind?  All questions that haunt me every day.

I wouldn't say I worry about these things, but I definitely pray about them daily.  I do everything in my control to keep everyone healthy, but sometimes things are not in my control.  That's a difficult thing for anyone to realize...especially a Mom.  Sometimes we have no control, no power. 

While I was pregnant with Madden I kept my guard up the entire time.  I was hesitant to buy him anything or to prepare his nursery.  When I spoke of him, I would always begin with the word 'if'.  "If God allows us to raise him..."  "If we bring Madden home..." 

This past December, I hung all of our stockings on the mantel, just like I do every year.  We decided to hang Max's stocking along with everyone else's.  Throughout the Advent season, we wrote notes and prayers to Max. The kids also drew and colored him pictures.  We placed them in his stocking and eventually burned them all in the fireplace...sending the smoke to the heavens.  After Christmas, I asked Aaron if I should go ahead and buy Madden a stocking.  They are on sale after Christmas...it made sense to buy it.  But I didn't want to jinx myself.  I didn't want to presume he would be able to enjoy it.  Aaron told me to buy it anyway..."no matter what happens with Madden, you will want to hang his stocking."  He was right, but I haven't bought it yet. 

 

Our elf, Melvin, wishing Max a happy birthday.

The only way to be safe from the dangers of losing someone you love, is to love no one.  The more you love...the more you are at risk.  The larger your family...the larger the danger.  But what is life without people to love?  To me, that would be hell.  Today, I choose to love with my whole heart.  If it is broken again...oh well.  I remind myself that pain is temporary, but love is eternal.  Everyone knows the scripture, "as it is, these remain: faith, hope and love, the three of them; and the greatest of them is love" I Cor. 13:13.   Have you ever wondered why the greatest is love?  Father Robert Barron explained, when in heaven, there is no need for faith and hope, but love remains.  Your faith and hope are rewarded in heaven when you see the face of God..but love remains. 

I can't make my decisions based on fear.  I don't want to be hurt anymore than I already am, but I can't be afraid to live life...to enjoy life.  There is a song that we sing in church that is guaranteed to bring tears to my eyes every time.  I imagine Jesus talking to Max, "Be not afraid.  I go before you always.  Come follow me and I will give you rest."  Jesus is talking to me too - "Be not afraid."

"Do not let your hearts be troubled.  You trust in God, trust also in me." -John 14:1

"Pray, hope and don't worry.  Worry is useless.  God is merciful and will hear your prayer" -St. Padre Pio