Soon after Max died I couldn't go anywhere without hearing his name. Aaron and I travelled to a grocery store an hour away. We avoided the local one because we didn't want to run into the people we knew. When it was time to check out, we had more than twenty checkout lines to choose from. We began to unload our cart and the cashier hollered at the guy next to her to come help..."Max!" Aaron and I just looked at each other and smiled.
Another time I was out shopping by myself. It was my first outing since losing Max. I thought a little shopping trip would make me feel better...it didn't. I was in Hobby Lobby. I stopped and looked at a little boy. He was probably six or seven years old. He was following his mom and sister. But for some reason, he stopped and looked at me. We were standing there looking at each other, with his mom and sister walking away. His mother soon looked back, saw me staring at her child and yelled, "Max, come on!" She probably thought I was some strange woman, but I was tempted to ask her if she was a Christian, because I was certain God was working through her.
Both of these instances happened within days of each other. And I know it may not seem like much, but it spoke to me. I knew my Max was talking to me. Both of those ladies could have just said, "come here", but they spoke his name. I could have chosen any cashier at the store, or any aisle at Hobby Lobby, but I was at the right place at the right time to hear my son's name. Yes...if you think it's a sign, it is.
Probably a month before his death, I was changing Max on the changing table in his room. A thought entered my mind. "If Max died, you would be okay. He's a baby, you haven't had him very long. You would be okay." As soon as the thought entered my mind, I pushed it out. No...I thought. I picked him up and squeezed him tight. Why did that thought cross my mind? I couldn't have possibly thought I would be okay if I lost my baby. Why would such a thing even present itself to me...unless it was God. But then I got worried. Was this God asking me for my permission? Did I give it to Him? No..if Max dies I will not be okay. No! What kind of mother even thinks this?!? Did I will this? No! I would never! I would do nearly anything to have him back. I am not okay!
Today, as I look back on that moment, I believe that something spoke to me in that bedroom. I can't say who or what it was exactly, but I know that I can look back and know that there are supernatural things that occur in this world that we just can't understand. Maybe I was presented with that thought just so I could receive this consolation today.
One night while praying before bed, I begged God. Please let me know that Max is okay, that he is happy, and that I will see him again. I said this over and over. That's all I need to know. He's okay. He's happy. I am going to see him again. That night, I had a dream. I remember it like it actually happened.
I was sitting in front of the Blessed Sacrament. I was reading a book. Whatever I read, made me realize Max is okay. I looked up with tears in my eyes and I whispered, "Max is okay."
There was a blond headed lady with a headband on, sitting next to me. She was actually lying on the floor, reading a book by candlelight. As I whispered, "Max is okay", she looked at me and said, "Robyn, Max is happy and you are going to see him again."
"What?" I hollered. "Why did you say that?"
She answered me, "I don't know. I just know I am supposed to tell you, Max is happy and you are going to see him again."
I was ecstatic. I knew that God had talked to me. I know it was just a dream, I'm not crazy, but it brought me such peace. As I woke up, I still felt that way. God had talked to me. In my dream, God had answered my prayer. And I firmly believe that Max is okay, Max is happy and I am going to see him again.
I spent some time thinking about this dream...trying to figure out the identity of this blond headed lady. I knew her, but I couldn't pinpoint exactly who she was. After mentioning it to several people, my Mom asked me, "could it be Aaron's Aunt Miranda?" Aunt Miranda died in her forties. She was Aaron's Godmother. He loved her very much. The more I thought about it, the more I knew...it was her. It was Aunt Miranda. I had only met Aunt Miranda once. But this was a younger version of Aunt Miranda. It was her, telling me that Max is happy and I am going to see him again. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced. Wow...another gift!
"To you in your bed there came thoughts about what should happen in the future, and he who reveals mysteries showed you what is to be." -Daniel 2:29
"Pain is never permanent." - St. Teresa of Avila
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