Heartbroken

A nagging, numbness...that never goes away.  It's always there.  Every minute, every second.  It's on my mind.  It's not like I am thinking about it all day trying to solve a problem, or trying to figure it out.  It's not even worry...it's just a thought in the front of my mind, all day, every day...Max.  Maaaxxx!  Max!  Max? Max Kolbe...?!?  It's painful.  It literally hurts my heart.  Heart...broken.  But strangely, I really don't want the pain to go away.  It's all I have left of my beautiful baby boy. 

Everyone wants to help.  Everyone wants me to be happy again.  I've heard all the advice...see a counselor, take some medication, have a drink.   Uggghhhh...or the worst, "time will heal".  Really?!?  I lost my child.  You don't heal from this.  I'm just trying to learn to live with it.  But heal?  No. 

Then there's people who say nothing.  My loss makes many people uncomfortable.  People I have known all my life don't know what to say...don't know how to act.  I just keep reminding myself that everyone has good intentions. 

So what do I do now?  The only answer I come up with...is pray.  I pray.  I cry and I pray.  There is definite physical pain that comes with losing a child.  It's no mystery to me why people talk about their heart breaking.  My heart actually, physically hurts.  I imagine that my heart was broken into a million pieces that night.  So now I have this three dimensional puzzle...a heart puzzle that needs to be put back together.  It's a million pieces, there's no directions, no picture to look at, no edges to get me started, but I have to put it back together.  And I can't do it alone.  

People always say, "God won't give you more than you can handle."  I don't believe that.  I think God won't give you more than HE can handle.  I am definitely not strong enough to deal with this loss by myself.  Any strength I appear to have, comes directly from God himself. 

I read somewhere that in the beginning stages of grief, it's kind of like a painted wall.  If you look at a large painted wall with its trim, in the beginning, your grief is the large wall and your joy is the small trim.  But as time passes, the two become reversed...more joy than grief.  I mentioned this to my husband, and he already feels that he has more joy than grief.  I'm glad for him, but I am the complete opposite.  I imagine a huge mansion, with no windows.  And I am sitting inside in the dark, surrounded by grief.  The only light/joy coming in is through one small peep hole.  But I don't even want to look at it.  I want my grief.  I want my pain.  It's all I have left.  I am sure this will change with time, but right now, this is where I am. 

It's hard for me to be around people who are joyful.  It's not that I want them to be sad, but it just makes me very aware of how little my son's death actually means to the rest of the world.  Shortly after Max's death, we were supposed to go to a family wedding, a wedding shower, a vacation.  We cancelled on all of them.  I don't want to be around people celebrating life.  The moments I appear happy are fake moments.  It's very unnatural for me to smile.  I cannot fake my way for too long, around too many people.  So I take the safe road....stay at home. 

I do what I need to do...for my children, for my husband.  I love them all so much and whatever I can do to make them happy, I want to do.  But my love for them doesn't lessen the pain in my heart. 

I just want you to know that my faith doesn't make this easy for me.  Faith doesn't take away my sadness and make me magically happy.  My relationship with God hasn't healed me of my grief.  But, my faith has given me hope.  My faith has given me a light at the end of the tunnel.  As much as I am hurting today, I know that one day I will hurt no more.  One day, there will be nothing but joy for me.  One day, I'll see my son again, and all will be well.  I am not strong.  I am not inspirational.  I am no different than you.  I am just thankful for my faith...I believe in heaven, and I look forward to it. 

 

"In my estimation, all that we suffer in the present time is nothing in comparison with the glory which is destined to be disclosed for us" -Romans 8:18

 

"For Jesus Christ, I am prepared to suffer still more." -St. Maximilian Kolbe