God speaks to us in so many different ways every single day. We just need to choose to listen. Mother Theresa did an examination of conscience every night. Besides just making a mental note of the sins committed during the day, she made a mental checklist of the times she saw God. When did she see His work? When did she feel His presence? Where did she see His gifts? She saw some of the worst situations in the world, yet she was always joyful. She chose to see God.
When tragedy strikes, it is hard to see any good in the situation. But it is there. I firmly believe that God didn't will this tragedy to happen in our family, He allowed it. I think he grieves with us at the loss of our son, just as Jesus wept over the death of Lazarus. But this is a world of sin...bad things happen.
May 18th was a horrible day in our family...to say the least. But looking back, I can see God's hand guiding us.
1. Aaron and I were together.
I was supposed to be alone with all four kids that weekend. I am so thankful that I did not have to go through this by myself. Thankfully, Aaron's dad hurt his back, they cancelled the fishing trip and Aaron spent the weekend with us. Max could have had his fatal heart attack at any time. I am so glad that Aaron was with us when it happened.
2. We were with Max.
We considered leaving Max with my in-laws for the weekend. Aaron made the decision to take Max with us based on one little smile. I am so thankful for that smile and that decision. If he had stayed at home, we would have gotten the phone call five hours away. He spent his last moments with us...thank you.
3. We were in Edinburg, TX.
We were five hours from home. I never have to go back there again. I am thankful this didn't happen in my house, because I don't think I could stay there if it had.
4. The girls were with my parents.
I am thankful that my daughters were not with us. Only God knows how they would have handled watching their brother die, but I am glad that they didn't have to see it.
5. A registered nurse was available to help us almost immediately.
We pulled into a restaurant parking lot with no idea what was wrong with our boy. An RN, who was also a CPR trainer, came out right away to help us. We weren't alone and we had the best help available. We wouldn't have to wonder, "what if".
6. We were minutes away from a children's hospital.
If we had been at home, it would have taken 40 minutes minimum to get an ambulance to the local hospital. If Max had a chance to survive, we were in the right place.
7. With Max's scream, I realized something was wrong.
Thankfully, I didn't let him "cry it out". He would have died in his car seat...and I would have thought he was sleeping. Thank God I told Morgan to get him out. I think finding him dead would have been worse than watching him die. At least I know we did everything we could.
8. My Aunt and Uncle were an hour away from us.
We were in an unfamiliar place. Hours away from our family. Thankfully I had loved ones close by to be with us and take care of Morgan.
9. Max had an undiagnosed heart condition.
While I wish things were different, if Max was going to die, I'm thankful he died of something beyond my control. He didn't drown on a bottle. There was nothing I could have done to prevent his death and there was nothing that I did to cause it. I am thankful I don't have to live with that guilt.
I can see God working in my life that day. And I reflect on times prior to Max's death, that make me believe God was preparing me for this heartache.
For a while, I was attending a holy hour of adoration weekly. My home parish has perpetual adoration and I attended every Monday evening. I loved this hour. I received peace, consolation and suggestions every week. It was in adoration when I first considered being a stay at home Mom. I am so thankful that I made that decision. I was able to spend my time with Max at home, instead of working. What a gift!
I know that God is always with us...always available to chat, but for me, there is something really special about sitting in front of the Blessed Sacrament. It's a nice time to just sit. Sit in the quiet. Listen. Of course, I always had a few requests to present before Him. But for the most part, I would just open up my heart. Sometimes, I'd sit quietly and open my mind, or open up a book to a random page and find just what I needed...and sometimes I'd write.
After we lost Max, one day I opened up my journal. I didn't write in it very often. It didn't have very many entries. But one caught my eye. One Monday evening during adoration, I wrote my thoughts down. I was six weeks pregnant with Max at the time. The words I wrote that night, I believe were intended for me to read today. I wrote,
"Just as your parents don't own you, you don't own your children. I am giving them to you for awhile. They are mine. Take care of them. I love children. Each one is special in its own way. Your children are not about you - they each have their own individual story -their own individual life. Help them make it the best they can according to me, not the world."
-God-
This is the exact entry from my journal. I even signed God's name at the bottom of that message. When I was six weeks pregnant with my son, a son who wouldn't live to see his first birthday, I wrote these words. In my eyes...that is God at work.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28
Give thanks to the Lord, invoke his name; make known among the nations his deeds. Sing to him, sing his praise, proclaim all his wondrous deeds." -1 Chronicles 16: 8-9
YOu are an inspiration to many and a special one to me. Thank you for sharing all of this. Your father-in-law and a very dear friend of mine and when working with you I came to know you. May God continue to Bless you and your family.
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