Surprise!

Two weeks had passed since we lost Max.  Aaron decided it was time for him to go back to work.  The kids were still staying with their grandparents.  I was at home alone.  As can be expected, I wasn’t feeling like myself.  I had been on an emotional roller coaster, and my body was responding.  I decided to take a pregnancy test…just to ease my mind.  I fully expected for it to come back negative.  It didn’t.

I stared at the positive pregnancy test with disbelief.  My tears started flowing.  I had just lost my baby.  Now, another was growing in my body.  There are no words that describe the shock I was feeling at that moment. 

I gained my composure and called Aaron.  I asked him to come home for lunch.  He was worried about leaving me at home alone.  He could tell that I was upset.  So he didn’t wait for lunch, he came home right away.

I was lying in the bed, still holding the pregnancy test when he walked in.  He laid down next to me.  He asked if I was alright…I nodded, yes.  With tears in my eyes, I showed him “the big news”.  It took him a second to realize what it was, but once he did, he smiled.  We hugged…I cried.

 

I wasn’t sad to be pregnant, I was confused.  At that time, I had just lost a child who I thought was perfectly healthy.  Why would God take one, just to give me another?  Before I took that pregnancy test, my world didn’t make any sense.  Finding out I was pregnant only added to the chaos.  How was I supposed to feel?  What was I supposed to think?

I couldn’t look at a baby without feeling uneasy.  I certainly wasn’t able to hold and care for one.  Would these nine months change me?  Would I be able to be a good mother to this baby?  Ready or not…I was pregnant.  A baby would be coming in February.  God was in control and I had to trust Him. 

Although I had delivered my first four children in the local hospital, with the same doctor, I felt I needed a change.   I just couldn’t go back to the same exact room where I had just delivered Max.  So I discreetly asked around and found a doctor in the city, an hour from our home.   

Once we found out about Max’s heart condition, we learned that it could possibly be genetic.  Our other children and our unborn baby were at risk as well.  Our three children had echocardiograms to detect for hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, all came back normal.  Thank God!   As for our unborn baby…we would have to wait until I was a little further along to perform any diagnostic tests on him. 

We didn’t share our news with anyone for a long time.  We told our parents once we were thirteen weeks along.  We asked them to keep it a secret.  We just weren’t ready for everyone to know. 

At our twenty week appointment, we had an ultrasound.  With Max, we didn’t find out what we were having.  We looked forward to being surprised.  With this baby however, I felt I couldn’t handle any more surprises.  I knew the birth of this baby was going to be emotional enough.  So when the ultrasound technician asked if we’d like to know the sex, we said yes, and it took her half a second to say “it’s a boy!”  Aaron grabbed my hand and with tears in my eyes, I smiled.  I had a feeling we were having a boy.  At that moment, I was so happy…true happiness. 

It was time to tell our children and let others know that we were expecting another boy.  The kids were so excited.  There was no way they were going to keep it a secret.  They had questions…would he look like Max?  Would he act like Max?  Would he die early?...the same questions I had. 

I'm sure that many people questioned our intentions when we got pregnant so quickly after losing Max, believing we were trying to replace him.  That simply was not the case.  We were surprised by this new life, and we knew that no matter how much this baby reminded us of Max...they were not the same.  I could have one hundred children, but one would always be missing.  I didn't believe this new baby would make everything good again, but maybe he was sent to help us heal.  I didn't understand God's will, but I was thankful for this new baby boy, Madden James. 


The human mind plans the way, but the Lord directs the steps. -Proverbs 16:9

"The secret of happiness is to live moment by moment and to thank God for all that He, in His goodness, sends to us day after day." -St. Gianna Molla