My Faith Journey

We had a private viewing at the funeral home with our immediate family, before the church services. Right now, I feel anxious and sick as I think about it.  Initially, I couldn’t look at Max.  I just sobbed and sobbed…”that’s not my baby!”  Aaron was so much stronger than I, leading our children up to the tiny casket to see their baby brother.  

There is nothing you can do to prepare yourself for this type of grief.  But with that being said, I know that God was working in my life.  He was preparing me.  He was leading me and giving me the tools I would need to survive this tragedy and continue living through the pain.  I know that some of my high school and college friends are reading this and asking themselves, "Really?  Robyn wasn't exactly holy-roly back in the day."

And they are right.  I was in a completely different place.  Ten years ago, being a Christian was not a very important part of my life.  I was a cradle Catholic.  I received all of my sacraments in the church.  But, I wasn't passionate about my faith.  I attended mass when it was convenient, picked and chose which teachings I would follow and prayed very little.  I was one of the many, many lukewarm Catholics.

In college, I was open to the idea of changing to any religion.  I was smart and I was proud of the fact that I could apply reason to figure out complex problems.  I enjoyed calculus, physics and chemistry.  All of those subjects were very concrete.  There was a definite right answer to each problem, all other answers were wrong.  Science had an explanation for almost everything and if there wasn't an explanation, it was only because it hadn't been discovered yet.  I knew all of the answers...or so I thought. 

I also knew what the Catholic Church taught about Adam and Eve and Noah's Ark.  I knew that I couldn't live my life belonging to a church that taught such silly, unbelievable stories.  I actually looked into the Church of Scientology.  I knew I wanted to believe in God, I was too scared not to, but I also knew I was right about science being the "truth".  Luckily, my search didn't result in anything.  I couldn't find the answers I needed, and I knew that my mother would be really upset if I bought into such a religion.  So I kept my Catholic faith, my mother's faith, and attended mass when home for the weekends. 

  

 

We got married and baptized our children in the church and the whole cycle of “boring masses” started all over again.  But in 2007, my husband attended an ACTS Retreat.  He enjoyed every minute and insisted that I attend one as well.  Reluctantly, I said ‘yes’.   I really didn’t want to go.  I asked him to take me to a hotel for the weekend.  I promised I would pray the entire time, but he just gave me a hug and told me everything would be okay.  He was right.  It ended up being a really great weekend. 

I came back feeling energized about my faith, but a dramatic transformation did not occur for me.  I still had many questions.  But instead of believing I could figure everything out on my own, I actually started looking for answers.  Over the next couple of years, I began reading books, looking online,  and listening to lectures.  For every question I had, there were many answers from many different sources.  But time after time, the Catholic answer was the one that made the most sense to me.

To my surprise, every question I had for the Catholic Church, had a reasonable answer.  The more I learned, the more I realized I didn't know.  I learned how science fits into the Catholic Church, and to my astonishment, I was happy with it.  Pope John Paul II acknowledged "Science can purify religion from error and superstition."  But he added, "Religion can purify science from idolatry and false absolutes."  Cardinal Cesar Baronius wrote, "It is the Holy Spirit's intention to teach us how to go to heaven, not how the heavens go."  The Church's view on Evolution was exactly in line with what I felt to be true.  Catholicism acknowledges that the Bible is not a science book, nor a history book.  It is intended to teach us God's will; it's a book inspired by God that aims to teach us how to live.  I was surprised with this answer; I knew that my original assumptions about the church were wrong.  What else was I wrong about?  I began to ask more questions.  My questions were never ending, and still aren't.  But what I have found in my search, are answers. 

My husband and I have committed ourselves to Jesus and the Catholic Church.  It is not easy.  There are times I question myself.  Am I being reasonable?  Am I being smart?  Couldn't I have waited until I was like 98 to become religious?  The truth is, no...it is not reasonable, and it depends on how you define smart.  And I know at any given moment I can turn away from Jesus and He will take me back and forgive me, even if I am 98.  Of course that would be a gamble, because you never know how long we have on Earth.  But more than just the gamble, it's about the relationship. I don't turn away from Jesus because I don't want to hurt Him.  I want to make Him happy.  I want to love Him.  It's not about knowing about God, it's about knowing God, personally.  I can't change back to who I was.  I love Jesus...and I would just miss Him too much.  I don't know a lot, but I know that I am not here on Earth to just be a "fan" of Jesus.  I am here to imitate Jesus.  We can't just say, 'I love Jesus'...period.   No, we need to say 'I love Jesus, what does He want from me? What does He want me to do?  How can I please Him?"

My challenge for you today is to seek.  Seek and you will find.  Seek the answers to any questions you may have about your own faith.  Read, ask, listen.  In the words of St. Teresa of Avila, "In the measure you desire Him, you will find Him."  How much do you want His peace?  Let your guard down and depend on more than just yourself.  Depend on more than what your five senses tell you.  In the Imitation of Christ, Thomas Kempis states "human reason is weak and can be misled; but true faith cannot be deceived."

My faith is the most valuable thing I have.  Because of my faith I can see God at work through this tragedy.  Today, I thank Him for not giving up on me and for leading me to the place I am today.

Robyn

 

 “God is not what you imagine or what you think you understand. If you understand, you have failed.” -St. Augustine

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not; in all your ways be mindful of Him, and He will make straight your paths. - Proverbs 3, 5-6

“Not one hundred people in the United States hate the Roman Catholic Church, but millions hate what they mistakenly  think the Roman Catholic Church is” –Archbishop Fulton Sheen