I remember the first time we took trash out after Max died. Aaron emptied the Diaper Genie, and I wept. It was the very last time I would see my son's stinky, messy diapers. Who would have thought I would treasure such a thing...but I hated to see them go. Oh, and the laundry. There's always a ton of laundry to do in my house. The girls change three times a day. But I was very aware when I was doing Max's last load of laundry. His last load...he would be dirtying no more clothes. It makes me cry now to think of it. I would give anything short of my soul to have another dirty diaper and a load of Max's clothes.
Even though I only had Max a short while. He has left an enormous hole in my heart. I don't know how to be the wife and mother I once was. I sit in my house and I think I hear him. I've been tempted to tell the kids to "Quiet down! You are going to wake your brother!" I remember his smiling face in every room.
I used to sit and feed him on the left hand side of the couch and watch TV during the day. Mabry used to fight me for that spot all the time. It was her little joke...I called her "Mabry the spot stealer." Max and I would try to work our way into "our spot", she would try to block us from sitting. It was our regular routine. Now, I can't sit there without thinking of Max. I don't even like to be in the living room. But it's my home...where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do?
One of our parish priests mentioned to us that he imagined our lives to be complete chaos after Max's death. He imagined Max to be the center of our lives...the sun to our solar system. He was right. When you have a small baby, your entire lives and schedules revolve around that tiny human. Feeding schedules, diaper changes, naps and wake times dictate the lives of everyone else in the house. Then suddenly our "sun" has vanished. Everyone, especially Mom, is left wondering what to do.
This got me thinking. The sun in the solar system keeps everything else going. My other three children, my husband could become my center again. But what if I lose them too? What could become my center that would always be a constant? Who will always be there for me no matter what? The answer was crystal clear. God. God will always be there for me. God will never leave me. He has got to be the center.
Another priest that we are close to always talks about making "Jesus the center". I always understood it as the "center of your heart"...think about Him, pray to Him, love Him. But now, I believe it has to be more. I need to make Jesus the center of my universe. I need to yearn for Him. I need to live this life everyday with the intention of pleasing Him. All the earthly materials, possessions and worries are temporary. The relationships we build are important, but they are not the most important. I have to plant my feet on this Earth, but keep my eyes fixed strongly on heaven and on Jesus. This is the only way to keep order in life.
It's not easy to live this way. Our American culture contradicts it. Turn on the TV, flip through a magazine or read the headlines on the internet. You can easily find out how to lose weight, how to look younger, how to earn money or save money. We are bombarded with sex, politics, money, etc. It's disheartening. My job is to get to heaven. I have to turn my back on this world and look to the next. How I look, what I have...will not matter. How I love - that's how I'll be judged. I firmly believe that being a "good person" isn't enough. My definition of "good" may be different than yours, but more importantly, it may be different than God's. I have to do more than "be good", I am going to commit my life to knowing Him, loving Him and serving Him. It may not be the popular thing to do, but I am choosing to make God my center.
"Christ said, "I am the Truth", he did not say "I am the custom."-St. Toribio
Let your thoughts be on things above, not on the things that are on the earth -Colossians 3:2
That is why you must kill everything in you that is earthly: sexual vice, impurity, uncontrolled passion, evil desires and especially greed, which is the same thing as worshipping a false god -Colossians 3:5
Oh, the laundry. I can remember thinking "One more month and Tyler will be off to college. Yea less laundry". After losing him I would have given anything to do his laundry again. I cried and cried when I had finished folding his clothes for the last time. We let his friends come and take a piece of clothing they wanted to remember him by. When the girls came I saw they each had a plastic bag. Each of them selected a shirt and proceeded to spray his cologne on the shirt then closed it up in the plastic bag. They wanted to keep his smell as long as they could just as I did, sitting in his closet pulling his clothes to my face or climbing in his bed, all to smell him one more time. It took me a year to really look at his graduation photos. I still struggle with looking at the bronze plaque of him at the baseball field. I so badly want him to walk out of those photos & plaque and come back to me.
ReplyDeleteI thank God everyday for having given me both my children. I thank him for giving me 18 wonderful years with Tyler. I have no regrets. God has blessed me abundantly and I will forever be grateful. I continue to offer up my suffering to ease yours and all those who suffer from the loss of a child. May God grant you peace and happiness once again. Hugs.
Oh...Renee. I can relate to everything you just wrote. Thank you for your prayers. Please know that I pray for you guys as well. Much love your way:)
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