Heaven Waits...

For years, I would pray, "Please keep my children, husband and all my family safe, smart, beautiful and healthy." (pretty specific...I know)  Over the last couple years, for whatever reason, my prayer changed.  It was no longer "keep them safe", but "your will be done".  I felt like I could handle whatever came my way if I knew it was truly God's will...not Satan's, not something caused by human irresponsibility, but truly God's will. 

I don't know that God willed this to happen to us, but I know He allowed it to happen. The day Max was conceived...heck, the day I was conceived, God knew this would happen to Max. He knew, and He didn't change the plan. 

I believe God answers prayers with the eternal soul in mind.  The earthly prayers we have are trivial.  He is concerned with our souls.  It's hard to imagine an infinite God...a God that always was, and always will be.  Our human minds can't comprehend His greatness.  You can't cut Him in half.  You can't see a fraction of Him.  He is infinite.  No mathematician could figure Him out.  To Him, time is irrelevant.  His goal is to bring souls to Him...whether they are five months old or 100 years old.  To God, both five months and 100 years occur in the blink of an eye. 

It makes me feel better to know that everyone, regardless of their age now, will one day die.  It's not like some people will be spared.  We are all going to die.  I can honestly say, for the first time in my life, I am not afraid to die.  Death truly has no power over me.  Of course, I want to live for my remaining family, but scared to die?  No.  Father Maximilian Kolbe said, "It's not death I am afraid of, but sin."  Yes!  My sentiments exactly.  Death doesn't kill us, sin does!  Genius!  My Max was sinless.  I find peace with that too. 

When we first lost Max, I had such a strong desire to go to heaven. A strong desire to hold my son, a strong desire to see my son...to kiss him. I wanted to be with him so badly! I knew I had to stay away from sin because the last thing I wanted to do was threaten my journey into heaven. I want to be reunited with Max as soon as I take my last breath. But it occurred to me, isn't this what I am supposed to be feeling all along. Shouldn't I have a strong desire to be in heaven, not to see Max, but to see Jesus? Shouldn't I fear sin because I don't want to offend my Creator?

I used to be amazed when old people would say they were ready to die.  I didn't understand it.  How can you be ready to die?  You have no idea what waits for you...at least you know what life on Earth is like.  Now, I get it.  Sometimes, the only thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that I will one day die.  It sounds morbid, I know, but because Jesus resurrected, I no longer have a reason to fear death.   I always heard this.  I always believed this, but now I actually live it.  Death has no hold over me.  Death no longer has a hold over Max.  It really is a gift.  It's a hard pill to swallow...the death of my son being a gift...but truly, in the grand scheme of eternity...Max is safe and he has brought us closer to our Almighty God.  What  a gift! 

"Whether, therefore, we receive what we ask for, or do not receive it, let us still continue steadfast in prayer.  For to fail in obtaining the desires of our heart, when God so wills it; for we know not as He does what is profitable to us." -St. John Chrysostom

"Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the road broad that leads to destruction, and those who enter through it are many.  How narrow the gate and constricted the road that leads to life.  And those who find it are few." -Matthew 7:13-14

"You don't have a soul.  You are a soul.  You have a body." -C.S. Lewis